My Apologies

I just wanted to apologize for my last post! My dad informed me that I shared WAY TOO MUCH information and that I'm not a pessimistic person so I shouldn't write posts which portray me in such a light. True...it was an over share and a bit depressing. However, I was NOT meaning it to sound pessimistic! I was frustrated and wanted to vent...SUE ME!

P.S. - I love you popsy! You're the best! Thanks for keeping me in line!

I also wanted to thank everyone for their kind words or encouragement, reminders to always have faith and that things WILL work out in the end! I have such amazing family and friends and I'm truly grateful for all of you. And if any of you are going through something similar to this and want to talk...I am always here for you! It's not an easy thing to face alone, which is why Joel and I decided to share our trial with you guys. Having family and friends there for you makes it seem less tiresome. And it doesn't matter how many times I hear your kind words of encouragement...they're helpful each and every time.

Oh, I had my doctor's appointment this afternoon. That was equally frustrating! Due to the fact that I started my per-per they couldn't check to see if I had a miscarriage. So I guess I'll never know if we were in fact prego. That saddens me b/c I think I'd have renewed faith, knowing that we could in fact get pregnant! My appointment was just for a consult and I was only in there talking to him for 10 - 15 minutes. Guess how much that's going to cost us? 110 DOLLARS!!! Yep, that's right...you read correctly! This is mostly why I'm frustrated. Having the parents I do, I immediately shared my thoughts that $110 for maybe a 15 minute visit is ridiculous and I didn't want to pay it! Alas, I lost the fight! I didn't have hopes that I'd be victorious, but it's still a hard blow to my ego and wallet.

I shouldn't have even gone to the appointment b/c I called early this week to talk to a nurse to see if I should come in and I talked to my friend, Sadie (who's a L&D Nurse) and they told me exactly the same thing, if not MORE than my doctor. It was a fruitless appointment to say the least. But he advised us to keep "trying"...hello... of course we're going to keep trying...WE WANT A BABY!!! Also that Joel should see an Urologist and that if in a few months we're still not successful for me to get an ultrasound to see if my tubes are blocked or if I have ovarian cysts. CAN'T WE DO THAT NOW??? Then, if nothing is wrong we should consider doing the IUI (intrauterine insemination).

Personally, I'm planning on skipping some of that b/c Joel and I cannot afford to see an Urologist b/c they tend to be pricy in the things they do. Second, as soon as we get the money to do an IUI, We're doing it!!! We don't want to go in debt for procedures. And during all this, Joel and I WILL be filling out adoption papers. We've discussed it thoroughly after this past week's experience and we want to start the process as soon as we move to Ohio and get settled a bit. So probably after our trip to Texas in September. Yay! We're excited to be taking our own actions to get a baby, whichever method that may be.

So we're excited to see what the future brings! P.S.- Joel and I are very happy and love each other even more through this experience! I don't want people to think that just b/c of this difficult thing we're facing we don't realize the good things in life that we have, like each other. Just in case anyone was wondering!

Roran Philip Delozier (my nephew)

Since this post is about babies, or that lack thereof, I decided to post this adorable picture of my nephew from my Texas trip this past March, for your enjoyment!

Slightly Depressed

Disclaimer: This may be slightly depressing and TMI for some of you…read at your own risk of being sad and disturbed!!!

So Joel and I have been trying to get pregnant now for almost 21 months now (pretty much since we’ve been married). Well, this month we were almost POSITIVE we were pregnant! I had some symptoms, I had slight cramping (which my doctor said is normal if you’re prego) and most importantly…my PERIOD was LATE!!! That never ever happens to me. It’s always 29 days after my last one and always the same consistency.

It’s predictable and dependable, if you will, and that’s the way I like it. Now I don’t like having my period b/c it’s also extremely painful for me. I have a special prescription from my doctor for the horrible cramps I get. It literally feels like a hundred (or more) knives are being repeatedly stabbed into my lower back! But this month, there was NO PAIN! So that added to my list of reasons why I thought this month was the month when Joel and I would finally get that happy and blessed news we’ve been hoping and praying for multiple times a day! It makes me want to stay in the fetal position for the entire 6 days I’m on my per-per.

Alas…my body SUCKS!!! It apparently thought it’d be super hilarious to get my hopes up and play a mean trick on me! Joel and I didn’t want to get to excited about it b/c I wanted to wait until the week I would’ve had my period to pass before we’d take a HPT to confirm the happy news we were sure we’d receive. If I have to go through this I would really appreciate not having cruel jokes played on me. I’d much rather prefer feeling the bitter blow of disappointment every 29 days that is my period’s arrival.

Riddle me this…period being days late (remember I said it is always on time), BBT raised for 12 consecutive days (they say if it’s raised for 18 or more days you’re prego), light spotting a day before the expected period and continued for 3 days, boobs enlarged, slight cramping, extremely exhausted, PEE A LOT, I constantly have an appetite, and I just had a “good” feeling…wouldn’t you think you’re pregnant too? I’m just so confused and sadder than normal b/c Joel and I both were so certain June had been a “successful” month! Also normally right before my period, I just have a feeling that I’m not pregnant and although it’s disappointing, I kind of already knew so it’s slightly softens the blow!

So today at work I run to the bathroom b/c I just feel a “flow”, which isn’t a good sign for us. And I have a flow! Not like my normal periods b/c it’s usually a raging rapid, but still, it is not spotting or implantation bleeding (I research a lot)! This also made it sadder to me b/c I didn’t have Joel there with me. I was all by myself in an old stinky bathroom on the BYU-I campus. I cried of course b/c going through all this has made me way more emotional than normal (even though I was always a good crier). We obviously won’t be taking a HPT since Aunt Flow decided to visit me. P.S. - June was my last month on Clomid so I’m depressed that that didn’t work for us. We were on it for 6 months for goodness sake!

On a positive note: I do have an appointment with my doctor this Friday so I plan on asking him what the heck is up and why my body stopped following its normal trend.

Anyway, sorry for the depressing post but I needed to vent to someone besides my sweet husband who doesn’t know what to say to me at times like this. I know he’s pretty bummed about it too! Plus, I haven’t updated in a while on how the baby making was coming, so I thought I’d let you know.

Side note: I was laid off and won’t have a job after July 30th. So if anyone wants to play in the day during our last month here (August), let me know. I tell you this b/c this means no more doctors’ appointments for Joel and me to help with the baby making. We’re on our own now!

Positive note: We are saving to do an IUI (intrauterine insemination). So if we’re not pregnant by the time we’re able to save money for that, then we’ll go ahead with the IUI. We’re also planning on filling out adoption papers in October (we’ll have been trying for 2 years by then). So keep your eyes and ears open for anyone who’s prego and considering adoption. They say the best way to have a child placed with you is through WORD OF MOUTH!!!

Congrats to the Faanunu’s who recently had a little girl placed with them! She’s beautiful! We loved talking to them about their adoption experience. They’re great parents already!

Waiting & Wishing

After a long time of talking and debating, Joel and I have decided to share some news with all of you! And no, we are not pregnant, so you can go ahead and breathe now. This is something we’re skeptical about sharing with people, but we’re at the point where we feel that nothing bad can come from sharing this difficult and sometime uncomfortable news with our close friends and family. If anything there will be more people behind us supporting us and praying for us. So here it goes…

Joel and I got married August 8, 2008. Shortly after that I started to feel like I wanted children ASAP and not wait until we’re married for a year before trying. Joel was not thrilled with the idea because he didn’t feel ready, so I gave up on that for a few days. Then a couple weeks later I felt that anxious feeling again, so I brought it up to Joel and after much begging and pouting, Joel agreed to start trying after we’d been married for 9 months (May 2009). I decided I could handle that. But then a week or so later, I changed my mind, due to that same anxious feeling… I could NOT wait that long!

So I brought it up to Joel again. He was now getting frustrated with me and thinking I never wanted to wait a year before we thought about children. That didn’t sit well with me of course and my feelings were hurt, but still… I felt the need to start trying NOW! Joel being the sweet and giving man he is, agreed to start trying after 6 months of being married (February 2009). I decided that 6 months was better than 9 months and definitely better than a year, so I once again agreed to this and thought, “Ok, this is a fair compromise. I can, for sure, deal with that.”

You guessed it… A few weeks later, I again felt like 6 months was still too long to wait. I decided, through much internal struggle, that it was important enough to me that I should bring it up to Joel again. So, that is what I did… same thing happened as my previous attempts… Joel still wasn’t thrilled with the idea, but lowered it down to 3 months. I did NOT relent this time. I wanted to start trying now. So Joel gave in b/c lets face it, I’m way more bull-headed than he is and I wasn’t going to let go of it. Joel decided that if that’s what I wanted and that’s what would make me happy than that’s what we’d do… start trying to get pregnant. By now, it was mid-October 2008 (2-1/2 months after we got married).

From my previous comment stating we’re not pregnant, I’m sure you’ve added up that we have been trying to get pregnant for over 16 months now! It has definitely been the hardest thing we’ve faced as a couple so far. It is extremely difficult to want something so bad and not get it. Especially a thing so precious, divine and something you’re called upon to do “multiply and replenish the earth”! If you know me at all, you know how much I LOVE children and how I’ve only ever wanted to be a mom. But this is our trial right now and something we’re growing stronger from as a couple. And no worries… Joel does want children now and is even glad we started trying when we did.

To help us figure out what the issue is and why we’re unable to conceive, we started going to the doctor a month ago (we could’ve started going sooner, but we kept being hopeful, thinking “this month we’re going to get pregnant”).

I have had some blood work done and my ovaries and cervix checked and all seemed to be normal. I did have an appointment this Monday, March 1st to have a 21-day Progesterone test which measures the hormone involved in the female menstrual cycle. Well I got the results yesterday and my count was low so they have decided to put me one Clomid (the first treatment step for fertility). I will try this for a few months and repeat my Progesterone test April 7th to see if the Clomid is working. For more on Clomid, go here. Joel is supposed to get a semen analysis to rule him out as a factor to our fertility issues. Hopefully that takes place next week… poor guy!

We are hopeful and know that there is a child out there waiting to join our family! Whether we get to have our own children or whether we need to adopt to start our family, we look forward to becoming parents and giving that child(ren) all the love we have b/c there is a lot of it.

Looking back on this whole experience, I know that it was the Spirit prompting me to talk to Joel about trying to get pregnant earlier. At the time I even thought I was being greedy and just wanted a baby b/c that’s what I wanted, not necessarily b/c it was the right time for us. But I can say, without a doubt that is not true. Heavenly Father provides guidance, even if it’s through a whispering voice, of what we need to do. I know this struggle is happening at this time in our life and marriage for a reason, even if I’m unsure of what it may be. We look forward to the future and ask if you have any extra prayers to send them our way.

Also, I do not want anyone to ever feel like they cannot share there good news with us when they get pregnant! We're nothing but happy for people when they find that amazing news out. It is definitely difficult to hear, but we want to celebrate with you. We would never wish this struggle on anyone b/c it is not easy or fun to deal with. A special congratulation to all our friends who are expecting! We are immensely happy for each of you!

***P.S. – I hope this wasn’t an over share for any of you, especially as I talked about anatomy and certain tests.