My Apologies

I just wanted to apologize for my last post! My dad informed me that I shared WAY TOO MUCH information and that I'm not a pessimistic person so I shouldn't write posts which portray me in such a light. True...it was an over share and a bit depressing. However, I was NOT meaning it to sound pessimistic! I was frustrated and wanted to vent...SUE ME!

P.S. - I love you popsy! You're the best! Thanks for keeping me in line!

I also wanted to thank everyone for their kind words or encouragement, reminders to always have faith and that things WILL work out in the end! I have such amazing family and friends and I'm truly grateful for all of you. And if any of you are going through something similar to this and want to talk...I am always here for you! It's not an easy thing to face alone, which is why Joel and I decided to share our trial with you guys. Having family and friends there for you makes it seem less tiresome. And it doesn't matter how many times I hear your kind words of encouragement...they're helpful each and every time.

Oh, I had my doctor's appointment this afternoon. That was equally frustrating! Due to the fact that I started my per-per they couldn't check to see if I had a miscarriage. So I guess I'll never know if we were in fact prego. That saddens me b/c I think I'd have renewed faith, knowing that we could in fact get pregnant! My appointment was just for a consult and I was only in there talking to him for 10 - 15 minutes. Guess how much that's going to cost us? 110 DOLLARS!!! Yep, that's right...you read correctly! This is mostly why I'm frustrated. Having the parents I do, I immediately shared my thoughts that $110 for maybe a 15 minute visit is ridiculous and I didn't want to pay it! Alas, I lost the fight! I didn't have hopes that I'd be victorious, but it's still a hard blow to my ego and wallet.

I shouldn't have even gone to the appointment b/c I called early this week to talk to a nurse to see if I should come in and I talked to my friend, Sadie (who's a L&D Nurse) and they told me exactly the same thing, if not MORE than my doctor. It was a fruitless appointment to say the least. But he advised us to keep "trying"...hello... of course we're going to keep trying...WE WANT A BABY!!! Also that Joel should see an Urologist and that if in a few months we're still not successful for me to get an ultrasound to see if my tubes are blocked or if I have ovarian cysts. CAN'T WE DO THAT NOW??? Then, if nothing is wrong we should consider doing the IUI (intrauterine insemination).

Personally, I'm planning on skipping some of that b/c Joel and I cannot afford to see an Urologist b/c they tend to be pricy in the things they do. Second, as soon as we get the money to do an IUI, We're doing it!!! We don't want to go in debt for procedures. And during all this, Joel and I WILL be filling out adoption papers. We've discussed it thoroughly after this past week's experience and we want to start the process as soon as we move to Ohio and get settled a bit. So probably after our trip to Texas in September. Yay! We're excited to be taking our own actions to get a baby, whichever method that may be.

So we're excited to see what the future brings! P.S.- Joel and I are very happy and love each other even more through this experience! I don't want people to think that just b/c of this difficult thing we're facing we don't realize the good things in life that we have, like each other. Just in case anyone was wondering!

Roran Philip Delozier (my nephew)

Since this post is about babies, or that lack thereof, I decided to post this adorable picture of my nephew from my Texas trip this past March, for your enjoyment!

Slightly Depressed

Disclaimer: This may be slightly depressing and TMI for some of you…read at your own risk of being sad and disturbed!!!

So Joel and I have been trying to get pregnant now for almost 21 months now (pretty much since we’ve been married). Well, this month we were almost POSITIVE we were pregnant! I had some symptoms, I had slight cramping (which my doctor said is normal if you’re prego) and most importantly…my PERIOD was LATE!!! That never ever happens to me. It’s always 29 days after my last one and always the same consistency.

It’s predictable and dependable, if you will, and that’s the way I like it. Now I don’t like having my period b/c it’s also extremely painful for me. I have a special prescription from my doctor for the horrible cramps I get. It literally feels like a hundred (or more) knives are being repeatedly stabbed into my lower back! But this month, there was NO PAIN! So that added to my list of reasons why I thought this month was the month when Joel and I would finally get that happy and blessed news we’ve been hoping and praying for multiple times a day! It makes me want to stay in the fetal position for the entire 6 days I’m on my per-per.

Alas…my body SUCKS!!! It apparently thought it’d be super hilarious to get my hopes up and play a mean trick on me! Joel and I didn’t want to get to excited about it b/c I wanted to wait until the week I would’ve had my period to pass before we’d take a HPT to confirm the happy news we were sure we’d receive. If I have to go through this I would really appreciate not having cruel jokes played on me. I’d much rather prefer feeling the bitter blow of disappointment every 29 days that is my period’s arrival.

Riddle me this…period being days late (remember I said it is always on time), BBT raised for 12 consecutive days (they say if it’s raised for 18 or more days you’re prego), light spotting a day before the expected period and continued for 3 days, boobs enlarged, slight cramping, extremely exhausted, PEE A LOT, I constantly have an appetite, and I just had a “good” feeling…wouldn’t you think you’re pregnant too? I’m just so confused and sadder than normal b/c Joel and I both were so certain June had been a “successful” month! Also normally right before my period, I just have a feeling that I’m not pregnant and although it’s disappointing, I kind of already knew so it’s slightly softens the blow!

So today at work I run to the bathroom b/c I just feel a “flow”, which isn’t a good sign for us. And I have a flow! Not like my normal periods b/c it’s usually a raging rapid, but still, it is not spotting or implantation bleeding (I research a lot)! This also made it sadder to me b/c I didn’t have Joel there with me. I was all by myself in an old stinky bathroom on the BYU-I campus. I cried of course b/c going through all this has made me way more emotional than normal (even though I was always a good crier). We obviously won’t be taking a HPT since Aunt Flow decided to visit me. P.S. - June was my last month on Clomid so I’m depressed that that didn’t work for us. We were on it for 6 months for goodness sake!

On a positive note: I do have an appointment with my doctor this Friday so I plan on asking him what the heck is up and why my body stopped following its normal trend.

Anyway, sorry for the depressing post but I needed to vent to someone besides my sweet husband who doesn’t know what to say to me at times like this. I know he’s pretty bummed about it too! Plus, I haven’t updated in a while on how the baby making was coming, so I thought I’d let you know.

Side note: I was laid off and won’t have a job after July 30th. So if anyone wants to play in the day during our last month here (August), let me know. I tell you this b/c this means no more doctors’ appointments for Joel and me to help with the baby making. We’re on our own now!

Positive note: We are saving to do an IUI (intrauterine insemination). So if we’re not pregnant by the time we’re able to save money for that, then we’ll go ahead with the IUI. We’re also planning on filling out adoption papers in October (we’ll have been trying for 2 years by then). So keep your eyes and ears open for anyone who’s prego and considering adoption. They say the best way to have a child placed with you is through WORD OF MOUTH!!!

Congrats to the Faanunu’s who recently had a little girl placed with them! She’s beautiful! We loved talking to them about their adoption experience. They’re great parents already!

Lions & Tigers & Bears...Oh my!

A few weekends ago Joel and I went to the Idaho Falls Zoo with Joel's best friend, Alex and his girlfriend, Raquel who is from Brazil (not that that has to do with anything). We've been hanging out with Alex and Raquel a lot lately and we've LoVeD it! They're just so much fun and put up with us well, so its awesome for us. Alex, just in case we haven't told you enough...WE LOVE RAQUEL!!! She is so much fun and we'd totally be okay if yall got married.

Anyway, we had a lot of fun on our Idaho Falls Zoo adventure. I've never been to that zoo and in fact, I haven't been to a zoo in ages. The last zoo I went to was the Greensboro, NC on over 10 years ago. If you haven't been to the Idaho Falls Zoo, it is a very small zoo and I feel that it stinks more than most zoos. Or maybe it's just because I haven't been to a zoo in ages and when you're little you're not as disgusted by foul smells. Despite the retched smell we did have a blast walking around looking at the animals and goofing off.

Oh, there were these tiny tiny little monkeys of some sort and they looked just like itsy bitsy Gorillas. They were precious! I kind of want one now! They were in and enclosed area behind glass so I couldn't get a good picture of them. Boo! Also, if I haven't told you... I HATE ZOOS!!! My family is full of animal lovers and it really made me sick to see these animals locked up. It didn't so much bother me seeing the animals that were lucky enough to be outside (although their space for roaming was rather limited. Lions and tigers need land... they're roamers), but I was seriously almost brought to tears (yes...tears b/c I am a softy and cry easily) seeing those animals who were in the enclosed area without any space at all (monkeys need space to swing, run, jump, etc.) and they had no natural elements in there... no trees, grass, fresh air, etc. And yes, I am aware that a lot of those animals in zoos are safer than animals in the wild b/c they're protected, but I still hate it!

Yet despite my spats of freaking out that these animals were caged, we had a blast and enjoyed a day of warmth and sunshine. Too bad I still do NOT have a tan! And I probably won't get one at all this summer since I'm cooped up in a trailer all day without any sunlight.

Alex wrangling the Pheasants b/c they were trying to escape!

I don't blame them!

(or whatever those darn birds are)

Joel & Alex

Apparently I'm smaller than a Golden Eagle!

Alex & Raquel

(typical Alex face)

I LOVE this picture! It's totally how Joel & Alex always are!

"It's a GOOSE!"

(five points if you can name that movie)

Oh Alex-e-o!

Joel carrying me!

b/c in the "Australia" section of the zoo the ground was this red dirt & I was wearing suede flats that would have been destroyed.

Am I a pansy? Sure if that means liking to keep my things nice & clean!

See...we did see LIONS...

And TiGeRs...

(and BEARS but the picture is crap)

Therefore the title of this post is legit!