Slightly Depressed

Disclaimer: This may be slightly depressing and TMI for some of you…read at your own risk of being sad and disturbed!!!

So Joel and I have been trying to get pregnant now for almost 21 months now (pretty much since we’ve been married). Well, this month we were almost POSITIVE we were pregnant! I had some symptoms, I had slight cramping (which my doctor said is normal if you’re prego) and most importantly…my PERIOD was LATE!!! That never ever happens to me. It’s always 29 days after my last one and always the same consistency.

It’s predictable and dependable, if you will, and that’s the way I like it. Now I don’t like having my period b/c it’s also extremely painful for me. I have a special prescription from my doctor for the horrible cramps I get. It literally feels like a hundred (or more) knives are being repeatedly stabbed into my lower back! But this month, there was NO PAIN! So that added to my list of reasons why I thought this month was the month when Joel and I would finally get that happy and blessed news we’ve been hoping and praying for multiple times a day! It makes me want to stay in the fetal position for the entire 6 days I’m on my per-per.

Alas…my body SUCKS!!! It apparently thought it’d be super hilarious to get my hopes up and play a mean trick on me! Joel and I didn’t want to get to excited about it b/c I wanted to wait until the week I would’ve had my period to pass before we’d take a HPT to confirm the happy news we were sure we’d receive. If I have to go through this I would really appreciate not having cruel jokes played on me. I’d much rather prefer feeling the bitter blow of disappointment every 29 days that is my period’s arrival.

Riddle me this…period being days late (remember I said it is always on time), BBT raised for 12 consecutive days (they say if it’s raised for 18 or more days you’re prego), light spotting a day before the expected period and continued for 3 days, boobs enlarged, slight cramping, extremely exhausted, PEE A LOT, I constantly have an appetite, and I just had a “good” feeling…wouldn’t you think you’re pregnant too? I’m just so confused and sadder than normal b/c Joel and I both were so certain June had been a “successful” month! Also normally right before my period, I just have a feeling that I’m not pregnant and although it’s disappointing, I kind of already knew so it’s slightly softens the blow!

So today at work I run to the bathroom b/c I just feel a “flow”, which isn’t a good sign for us. And I have a flow! Not like my normal periods b/c it’s usually a raging rapid, but still, it is not spotting or implantation bleeding (I research a lot)! This also made it sadder to me b/c I didn’t have Joel there with me. I was all by myself in an old stinky bathroom on the BYU-I campus. I cried of course b/c going through all this has made me way more emotional than normal (even though I was always a good crier). We obviously won’t be taking a HPT since Aunt Flow decided to visit me. P.S. - June was my last month on Clomid so I’m depressed that that didn’t work for us. We were on it for 6 months for goodness sake!

On a positive note: I do have an appointment with my doctor this Friday so I plan on asking him what the heck is up and why my body stopped following its normal trend.

Anyway, sorry for the depressing post but I needed to vent to someone besides my sweet husband who doesn’t know what to say to me at times like this. I know he’s pretty bummed about it too! Plus, I haven’t updated in a while on how the baby making was coming, so I thought I’d let you know.

Side note: I was laid off and won’t have a job after July 30th. So if anyone wants to play in the day during our last month here (August), let me know. I tell you this b/c this means no more doctors’ appointments for Joel and me to help with the baby making. We’re on our own now!

Positive note: We are saving to do an IUI (intrauterine insemination). So if we’re not pregnant by the time we’re able to save money for that, then we’ll go ahead with the IUI. We’re also planning on filling out adoption papers in October (we’ll have been trying for 2 years by then). So keep your eyes and ears open for anyone who’s prego and considering adoption. They say the best way to have a child placed with you is through WORD OF MOUTH!!!

Congrats to the Faanunu’s who recently had a little girl placed with them! She’s beautiful! We loved talking to them about their adoption experience. They’re great parents already!